Updated: Oct 24, 2019
Motherhood, for a little while at least, was such a weird concept to get my head around. Yet at my core it feels like it was a path I was always meant to traverse. It's the ultimate challenge, and the hugest trip.
The highs are so high, and the love you have for this little human you created is so deep and pure.
The challenges are like nothing you have faced before, and cannot ever fully prepare yourself for.
You are tasked very suddenly into keeping a little being alive and that comes loaded with all its own complexities and hurdles.
There are no rule books, there is a vast sea of conflicting information and there is so much unsolicited advice and well-meaning opinions, designed to make your sleep deprived and hormonally super-charged self doubt every thought that crosses your mind.
Throughout pregnancy and birth I found it helpful and cathartic to just trust the process, trust that my baby and my body would know what to do. My alpha brain that liked to know every little detail just had to surrender and let things take their course, trusting in something greater than me, and beyond my entire control. I became an avid learner. I listened to many wise teachers. After a mental struggle, I eventually learned to put fear to rest and opened my mind and heart to trusting in the scared, innate power that is in all of us. The body is an incredible machine. I could do this, I was safe; I just needed to follow the path.
And I was so grateful and blown away that things just worked themselves out. I know it's not always the way. Like magic, things happened from a secret, ancient place that defies logic and speaks to the ultimate sorcery of the human body. Ancient women's wisdom, woven into an invisible fabric threaded with hidden power, unspoken triumph, history and destiny, enveloped me in a protective cocoon.
I remember those early post-birth days just trying to float to the surface to survive, and very much trying to take it day by day; tuning out the white noise whilst desperately trying to find that higher frequency; the one guided by love and intuition rather than overwhelm and panic.
Throughout the newborn haze, all that kept me going was to continue to be guided by this process, as it is the most purest of all; not clouded by all the other stuff out there. I had to trust that I would somehow get through, that I could do this, even though sometimes I felt like I was slowly sinking, and was already dead. All I could cling to was the notion that deep down, if we were guided by pure love, we could get through and survive.
Parenthood is the ultimate game of survival. Each day challenges us to the bones, we are sapped of energy by lack of sleep; we get overwhelmed and swallowed up in the quicksand of everyday life.
For now, we focus on our feet, putting one in front of the other, one step at a time, trying to remember to tread lightly and be gentle to one another. We are both fragile, we are both fraying at the edges, but soon, as each day passes, things will start to get better.